Toadpipe Teaches A Semester, Day 1
A Screwtape inspired post
Principal Slubgob: Now, now, sit down you young devils!… Spineless Double-cross if I have to come over there I’ll have your last remaining horn for supper! Don’t think that just because your grandfather’s patient was Bill Gates Sr. that you have any latitude in this college for your foolish shenanigans. Our Father Below knows all too well that you are riding on a ticket that has long since expired. You will have to prove yourself to Mr Toadpipe, just like the rest of your fellow thorns and thistles, in THIS institution!
Now… onto business!
Welcome to the Tempers’ Training College for the first semester of 2023. As you know, our handsomely decorated Screwtape has descended to Lower Command, lending his incredible knowledge and experience to Strategic Command as a Major, no less! His contribution to our understanding of deceit and wickedness has been invaluable to the College and to our past students. Fortunately, we have his former secretary, Mr Toadpipe, who is intimately familiar with all Major Screwtape has taught and executed in the field. Additionally we have The Epistles of Screwtape, those marvellous letters to Wormwood, that provide instruction and warning to us all. Mr Toadpipe has been the editor of all of The Epistles of Screwtape, and it is for all of these reasons that Mr Toadpipe is the obvious replacement as teacher of this class, PONEROLOGY 101. Mr Toadpipe…
Mr Toadpipe: Thank you Principal Slubgob for that introduction and I must say it is an honour to follow in the footsteps of the diabolically wicked and deceitful Major Screwtape. I can only hope to be as half as dark and corrupted as he has proven to be. Let me assure you that The Epistles of Screwtape will be studied in detail this semester. Although they may seems to be from an age far removed from our own, I can assure you that the principles remain the same today. Let me remind you that the Enemy is still the same to day as he was back then and humans, those pathetic animals, have not changed either.
So, my little half-witted imbeciles, welcome to Ponerology 101 where we will cover theory, history, strategy, and current events for the advancement of darkness, chaos, and ultimate demise of humanity. We are in the midst of a great feast, it is true, but we must not be complacent. Just before we started this evening I overheard Double-Cross and Crumplebum bragging that Lower Command now has the whole world in a deliciously deadly flat spin and there is no more to do but feast on the carnage. I caution you, my dear simpletons, that we must never take this exceptionally dark epoch for granted but must remain as active as ever with our patients and assignments. Hell help you if you be found responsible for any break in the current cloud cover our Father Below has so masterfully seeded over the whole world. You will be in a much worse predicament than became Wormwood I can assure you!
Let us not forget, no matter how busy our immigration department becomes, there is always room for more - the Gates of Hell are open and wide for every single one.
Darkpuddle! What are you sniggering about? Oh, ‘Gates’, I see, yes, yes, Bill Gates, that’s very amusing. Please pay attention you muddled puddle or you will be on the menu for the class lunch!
Now where was I? Oh yes, immigration. Keep in mind the catchphrase “Leave no one behind”, a key for the sustainable development of our mass immigration agenda for the united nations of Our Father Below. What an exciting time it is my deplorable little psychopaths! With wars and rumours of wars, rising totalitarianism, widespread rejection of objective truth, mass dispensing of bioweapons and almost inevitable global financial collapse, we could not hope to be in a more advantageous epoch than this. But don’t for a second think this has come about spontaneously, or that it is somehow a natural cycle, or any other such nonsense. No, this has been a long time in the careful planning and execution of many strategies by Lower Command - of which we will be studying in this class. It is my unfortunate burden to teach you to maintain the current momentum of humanity toward a reaping of the entire world, praise be to Our Lowly Father! And if I can beat any sense into you at all over the next semester, you may graduate from this College with half a chance of reaping a few of those pathetic pets of the Enemy for yourself.
Before I hand you onto your supervisors for a review of last night’s New Year’s Eve activities I want to address one more thing. There has been a lot of silly chatter and unfounded optimism about the Satanic Temple’s tenth anniversary conference in Boston this April. Granted, there is much to celebrate about the explicit nature of SatanCon and many lower devils enjoy a great feast at these events. But by no means mistake the Satanic Temple as the main objective of Our Father Below. Yes, those great lower princes of renown do also enjoy the gathering, but this is a sideshow for the majority of your patients and you must not make too much of it, except possibly as ridicule of “those ridiculous pagans!” For the majority of your patients are in that perfectly indifferent attitude to ANY devout religious practice. This is where they should be kept as much as it is possible. Yes, there are some who have a more tenacious need to be ‘spiritual’ and it is to the New Age, or The Environment and Gaia, or even the Satanic Temple, that they should be led. But this is not without its dangers. An inattentive devil may miss the cues that the Enemy is also enticing them away for his intolerable pleasure and you may find suddenly, and shockingly, the wretched thing one day surrenders to him. I’ve seen it many times before. It is for such reasons that we will be teaching you the art of temptation throughout this Ponerology 101 class.
OK, that’s it for today. Praise be to His Lowliness! Of you go you scallywags and I’ll see you next class.
Next…
Brilliant. I enjoyed that.
I look forward to more "Epistles of Screwtape". A reworking of a classic that may enlighten new generations.