Dr Seuss could trigger heart attacks in children, new study finds.

New research from Beijing highlights the many factors underlying the sudden death of children around the world.

Beijing, September 14, 2023 – In a ground breaking study of children aged 5 to 18, researchers have discovered 3,264 possible causes for childhood heart attacks, strokes, seizures and sudden death. This alarming study comes out of a joint effort between Tsinghua, Pekin and Wuhan Universities, lead by Prof Zhan Ping from the Department of Medicine, Pekin University.

“We have solid evidence that most activities involving excitement and physical exertion can lead to fatal conditions such as myocardial infarction, grand mal seizures, and even sudden death,” said Prof Ping at a press release today.

“After recent findings that adults are at risk of sudden adult death syndrome from gardening, cold showers, driving, and visiting their family doctor, it is not surprising that we should find similar causal factors for children,” explained Prof Ping.

The study, which looked at over 500,000 hospital reports of death from around the world since mid June 2022 until June 2023 for children between 5 and 18, has been one of the largest ever conducted on child mortality. Funded with the generous donations from The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, the study finally sheds light on what has been a mystery for hundreds of years- “Why do so many of our fit young people suddenly die for no apparent reason?”

“This has been a question plaguing humanity for generations,” said Dr Hao Qimin, one of the Tsinghua researchers and co-author on the paper. “This study has provides some very convincing answers to this question,” he said.

“Many activities, such as playing computer games, playing sports, reading certain literature like Dr Seuss, and not having gender confirming surgery, have all been highly correlated with serious cardiac issues resulting in death,” said Dr Qimin.

When asked if the study, starting at the same time as the COVID vaccine rollout for children five years and older, took into consideration the variable of the vaccine, Dr Qimin assured the press that there was absolutely no relationship between the vaccine and their findings.

“We have always had serious and undiagnosed heart conditions in children that have resulted in premature death, sometimes suddenly and without any apparent causal factor. We have taken this opportunity to uncover one of the great mysteries of paediatrics, which has nothing to do with the current pandemics or mitigation strategies,” assured Prof Ping in an interview with The New York Times yesterday.

“I’m glad they are getting to the bottom of it,” said Sarah Stupie who lost her 16 year old to a heart attack when playing football 6 months ago. “There was nothing wrong with him, he was a very fit and healthy boy, fully vaccinated, didn’t drink or smoke,” she explained. “Now we realise that playing football can give you SADS, like many other sports, but there’s nothing you can do. I mean you could stop them playing football, but what sort of life it that? I just wonder if we had made him get that next booster shot if he would still be with us today - it’s a real regret I have to live with now.”

And Mrs Stupie is not the only one who now has some reassurance that her loss was completely unavoidable, unless you stop your children from playing sports, and a natural part of being human. Mr Peter Hoodwinled found his 18 year old son deceased in his bed one morning last winter. Initially Mr Hoodwinled blamed the covid vaccine for his son’s death, as his son had been complaining of severe chest pains immediately after getting the second dose, and this only a week before his death. But the bereaved father has since realised, after being part of Prof Ping’s study, that it was actually climate change that killed his son.

“People still don’t recognise the danger of climate change for our young people,” Mr Hoodwinled told me in an over-the-phone interview. “Young people are dying every day, in their beds, on the field, at school, all because of climate change, and no one is doing anything about it,” he said despairingly.

Dr Qimin elaborated for us - “The top conditions we found, with a high amount of significance, that lead to sudden death of young people is firstly sleeping. I cannot stress how dangerous sleeping can be for young people. We had a lot of cases where the child went to bed, seemingly fine, maybe a bit of chest pain, but that’s normal, and the parents found the child dead the next morning. The next most significant variable is climate change. A vast majority of heart attacks, sudden death, and many seizures were closely correlated with changing climate. This is a wake up call for governments, and society at large, to make drastic changes before it’s too late.” Dr Qimin also mentioned an array of new vaccines under development to combat both sleeping and climate change. Let’s hope they get these life-saving interventions into the market as fast as science.

Unfortunately the paper has been written in a combination of Wenzhounese, Pinghua and Jianghuai dialects with important notes and graphs in Leonese and a reference section in Piraha. An unprecedented way to present a scientific paper, but the Gates Foundation assured us it was for the sake of transparency - very important for a paper of such significance. Translators estimate it will take 75 years to translate, nevertheless the paper has passed peer review with flying colors and has been published, as received from the authors, on September 13, 2023, in the prestigious journal CCP Propaganda Today.

For more satire: